Humpday Horror with the Jolly Goblin: "[REC]"

[REC] (2007)

Starring: Manuela Valasco, Javier Botet, Claudia Silva, Pablo Rosso

Directed by Paco Plaza and Jaume Balaguero

Before I begin the review, there is something I must address.  Many of you may remember a 2008 handheld zombie flick named Quarantine, either fondly or woefully.  What many of you may not know, however, is that Quarantine was actually a shot for shot remake of a vastly superior Spanish movie named REC (short for "Record," pronounced like, "wreck").  The changes between the original and remake are minor, but important, and include much worse acting, a complete lack of tension (especially in the final scenes), and a terribly hackneyed explanation that involves *cough* "super rabies."  Other than that, the movies are nearly identical, which is the greatest crime of all.  If you have already seen Quarantine, much of the tension in REC will be lost on you, since for the most part, you already know what's going to happen next, and that's a major tragedy.  Still, REC is worth a watch, since you've basically just been given a lackluster high school shadow cast version.  Spoilers aside, it's still a pretty scary movie, even on repeat viewings, and a few things that carry over into the remake with make a hell of a lot more sense.

End rant.  Begin review.

REC opens on a reporter, Angela (Manuela Velasco), doing a special documentary on the lives of firemen.  They get a rescue call to an apartment building and head out immediately, with Angela and her cameraman Pablo (Pablo Rosso) following, recording everything.  It all seems standard and routine, until the rescue call turns foul and one of the firemen gets a big chunk bitten out of his neck by an old blood-soaked woman.  They all soon realize that the building is surrounded by police officers who are dead set on keeping everyone inside the building, by force if necessary.

It starts off slow, with few scares occurring in the early portions of the movie, but there is a growing sense of confusion and dread, as there is no way out in sight and bodies keep piling up.  Eventually though, everything hits the fan, and you realize exactly why they are being held up inside the building.  This is basically the claustrophobic cousin of 28 Days Later and from that moment until close to the end, the movie is nonstop panic and terror.  I won't go into what sets everything off, and I won't go into any specifics on this part, because this needs to be experienced, not merely read about.

The movie is filmed handy cam style, and you're probably familiar with it by now.  Don't think of this in terms of The Blaire Witch Project or Paranormal Activity, though.  Think of this in terms of the subway scene in Cloverfield.  The handy cam aspect of the movie works in its' favor very well, really making you feel like you're in that apartment building.  It adds to the claustrophobia greatly.

In the brief moments of rest that the movie allows you to have before forcing you to relieve your bowels all over your pants one final time, you receive the only scraps of exposition that you're going to get.  Angela stumbles across a nest of newspaper clippings and an old tape recorder (similar to the one in The Evil Dead).  The explanation is there, but the movie doesn't hold your hand.  It expects you to pick it out.  What's written on these clippings and said on this recorder are about as much as you're going to get.  It suggests something sinister, and something never before done in a zombie movie, but again, I won't go into specifics.

The final scene of this movie remains one of the scariest final scenes in any movie I have ever seen, and it is entirely based on the execution.  This scene, above all else, is why I regard REC so highly.  It's almost entirely in the dark, you see almost nothing, and half of the time is spent holding your breath, waiting to see if someone gets their face ripped off (figuratively speaking).

Overall, there's really not a lot I can explain about the movie that will do it justice.  It's a terrifying thrill ride from the second it kicks in until the final pants-crapping moments.  Watch it alone in your bedroom in the dark for the full effect.

4.5/5




Zak "the Jolly Goblin" Greene is a Connecticut-based artist and film enthusiast. Aside from his weekly reviews for Nergasms & Geek-Rage, he posts his own video-reviews over at ReelCreepy. Check it out!

Humpday Horror with the Jolly Goblin: "Automaton Transfusion"

Automaton Transfusion (2006)

Starring: Garrett Jones, Juliette Reeves, William Howard Bowman

Directed by Steven C Miller

Low-budget movies are a bit of an anomaly to a critic.  Am I to judge a movie that was filmed in nine days for $30,000 in the same way that I would judge a big summer blockbuster?  If movies like The Evil Dead or the more recent Paranormal Activity have taught us anything, it's that you don't need a boatload of money to make a compelling piece of cinema.  Miller knows this, and set out to make a movie far bigger than his budget aloud.

The movie opens to introduce a pretty generic cast of characters, with the most interesting part being a couple that includes a popular girl named Jackie (Juliet Reeves) and punk rock dude named Chris (Garrett Jones).  Clearly, their groups of friends don't see eye to eye and that causes a bit of tension.  They end up going their separate ways for the day, with Jackie going to a big party and Chris going into the city to see a band.

Soon, they both come to discover that there are zombies afoot, and bloody carnage ensues.  Everything is set up for either Chris or Jackie to go on a mission to save the other, but this movie doesn't go with a plot quite that predictable.  Unfortunately, it doesn't really replace it with anything else.  The couple reunite fairly quickly and the movie just meanders for the remainder of the runtime.

The opening scenes remain my favorite part of the movie, despite the fact that when zombies occasionally show up, nobody seems to notice.  These opening scenes have something that no other part of the movie has, though.  They have a camera that actually sits still.  The "shaky cam" in this movie is offensively bad and only succeeded in pissing me off every time zombies came on screen.  This is especially a shame because the gore is the one highlight of the film.  There's a lot of it, and it's rather new and interesting in some cases.  I just wish we could actually see it.

The plot is loose at best, and the script is pretty atrocious.  Like I said, it meanders after the first act, and I can't honestly say I understand why the characters did any of what they did throughout the film.  On top of that, the editing is terrible to the point that I couldn't really understand what was going on at certain points.  It was like there was an extra part that they forgot to shoot, which, given how quickly this movie was shot, is very likely.

The acting isn't any better, and the characters come off about as flat and two-dimensional as you would expect in a low-budget splatter flick.  In fact, almost everything is about what you'd expect for a low-budget splatter flick, and that's the problem.  It's all so completely derivative that you will just end up with the feeling of, "been there, done that."  That's not to say that you can't do a plot that's been done before and make it work, because you can.  Dance of the Dead has an almost identical plot to this one on paper, but it has characters that are interesting, dialogue that's well-written, and they know how to keep the camera still occasionally.  There's nothing wrong with hitting all the traditional beats, but Automaton Transfusion hits them all off-tempo and out of tune.

Finally, the ending (or lack thereof).  Do you remember the ending of The Matrix Reloaded?  Do you remember how well it was received that the movie ended with a blatant, "to be continued?"  Well, because it worked so well in that movie, they decided that it would be the best ending for this one as well.

All in all, Miller succeeded in one thing and one thing only.  He did make a gory, action-packed zombie flick.  In some cases that might be enough to make up for the shallow, muddled plot and lack of interesting characters, but when you can't see the action because the cameraman is having a seizure, it's most definitely not.

1/5

The Jolly Goblin (aka Zak Greene) has more to
say about horror films than anyone I know.
And yes, it hurts to admit that.

Humpday Horror with the Jolly Goblin: "Hobo with a Shotgun"

Hobo With a Shotgun (2011)

Starring: Rutger Hauer, Molly Dunsworth, Gregory Smith, Brian Downey, Nick Bateman 

Directed by Jason Eisener

Back in 2007, Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino gave us Grindhouse, a tribute to the old cheap exploitation flicks that showed in the types of theaters after which the project took its' name.  I call it a project because it was much more than movie, it was an experience.  Grindhouse had two full feature-length films and a whole slew of fake trailers, including Jason Eisner's Hobo With a Shotgun.  Fortunately for us, much like Rodriguez's Machete, this has been turned into a full-length movie.

The film opens on our hero, the Hobo (Rutget Hauer), arriving at Hope Town (or as the graffiti on the sign tells us, Scum Town) via a freight train.  All he seems to want is to buy a lawnmower, but Scum Town is a nasty place, and that plan gets put on the back burner as he gets fed up and spends his saved up money on a shotgun instead, beginning a one-man war on crime.  However, the Drake (Brian Downey) runs all of the crime in Scum Town, so he doesn't take too kindly to some homeless man messing up his business, and he sends his two sons to track this hobo down, pry the shotgun from his hands, and end him.

Along with the Hobo, there is the hooker with a heart of gold, Abby (Molly Dunsworth) who rounds out the cast as the only other likable character in the movie, and one of the very few who have any development at all.  Every single other person is either a rapist, murderer, child molester, junkie, or sadist.  Plenty of canon fodder for the oncoming slaughter.  Good riddance.

This movie is depraved.  When there isn't a head being ripped off by razor wire, there's a pair of tits being sprayed with blood.  Not to say this is disturbing, however, because this movie quite obviously doesn't take itself all that seriously.  If you are a fan of the Troma catalogue (The Toxic Avenger, Terror Firmer, Poultrygeist) then you'll know exactly what to expect, but for those of you unfamiliar, I'd liken it to something similar to The Evil Dead 2.  It's so completely over-the-top in its' gore that it becomes comedic.  This isn't Hostel, and it's all the better for it.

To add to the Troma feel of the movie, the acting is incredibly awkward and just as over-the-top as the gore.  Some may be a bit off-put by this, but in this kind of movie, it didn't really bother me all that much.  Based on his previous efforts, we already know that Hauer is a great actor (Blade Runner, The Hitcher), so I can't help but believe that it was entirely intentional.  Then again, seeing anyone deliver the laughable dialogue in this movie with a straight face will only make it all the funnier anyway.

The splatstick gore and corny dialogue can get a little bit tiring, but fortunately, as soon as it starts to wear out its' welcome, we are introduced to The Plague, a couple of bulletproof, leather-clad robot knights who ride motorcycles and chop people up with ease.  They are absolutely ridiculous, and make everything else seem tame in comparison, yet when they arrive you know it's for one reason… to kick ass.  There are little hints here and there of a long elaborate backstory, but they never give one to us, which is a smart move.  Sometimes things are just cooler when they're left mysterious, and this is certainly one of those times.

While Hobo With a Shotgun isn't a movie for everyone, those of you out there who like this type of thing are going to love it.  The sheer amount of fun that this movie offers is more than enough to make up for any shortcomings it has.  Not to mention, Eisner managed to do something that Rodriguez and Tarantino both failed to do, and that's make an authentic feeling exploitation film.

Check it out.  It's playing in very few theaters, but it's available On Demand.

3.5/5

The Jolly Goblin (aka Zak Greene) is a Connecticut-based
artist/film enthusiast/ friendly bridge troll. He's awesome.